It's 8am. I wake up and say good morning to my same-sex partner. I say good morning to Jesus. Everyday I wake up and the first thing I am confronted with are the thoughts
"I'm still gay. I'm still a Christian. I'm still a gay Christian".
I put on the Christian radio while I make breakfast.
"Gay marriage… the church… Bishop's statement…"
I listen as a privileged, married, straight man tells the airwaves that being a gay Christian isn't possible.
I look over to my partner. I wouldn't lose her for anything. I start thinking,
"maybe I need to leave the church and stop pretending I can be both."
Then the man stops talking and a Christian song starts blaring out. It's my baptism song. My spirit is lifted. I could never give up on Jesus.
Another day, still a gay Christian.
"We've run out of milk" I shout to my partner as I try to make breakfast.
"Go and get some" she yells back.
The only thing is, I woke up this morning and knew straight away it was an anxious day. I can't leave the house.
"I can't" I yell.
"I'll come with you then".
She holds my hand as we walk down the street.
Suddenly the words cut through the air from a couple of lads overtaking us.
"Dykes"
"Dirty lesbians"
"Disgusting"
By this point I am not sure if the voices are theirs or if I am talking to myself.
We get home and I have post! I get excited, no-one sends me much post. I tear it open and my heart sinks. It's more information from a Christian organisation who regularly bombard me with their campaigns against gay people. I wrote once and asked them to stop sending me their propaganda. It never stopped. Words on a page but the only ones I see are painted in red across my head…
"gay Christian"
I'm not doing much after breakfast. I check my Twitter. I've got a new private message.
"You're a freak and a heretic" it says. Then it said those words I dread:
"you can't be a gay Christian".
I wonder if my notification on Facebook will be more loving. It's a request for sponsorship for a marathon form a friend who was once so close and has never spoken to me again since that time she told me
"you can't be a gay Christian".
It's about 11am now and we need to go to town to get a birthday present for a friend. On the bus two boys mess around.
"You're so gay" one says to another.
"Well you are more gay" the other proudly says.
Two boys, one can't be older than 10, and they are using the word 'gay' to try and serve each other the worst possible insult. 'Gay' seems to be the worst insult they come up with and they stop throwing insults at each other after that.
We're in town. There are images everywhere. Adverts in shops, people walking down the street, love songs on the shop radios.
"Do you ever feel like the only gay person in existence?" I ask my partner,
We figure we will go to the Christian bookshop for a present for our friend. The images are overpowering. The book titles shouting about men, women, the church, heterosexual connotations everywhere.
Our friend loves a certain Christian singer. I ask if they sell her CD.
"No" the shop assistant says, "she's a leper, sorry, lesbian".
I'm not sure if I heard that right or whether it was my imagination again.
As we walk out I see a noticeboard that looks like it hasn't been updated for a while. Pinned proudly to the middle is a petition against equal marriage.
I just wanted to buy a simple gift but I found myself face-to-face with other Christians campaigning against my life, my love. I see some names I recognise on the petition from old friends of mine.
"That narrows down our wedding guest list" I mutter to my partner.
We're walking to the bus stop when I see an old friend I haven't seen since school.
"Hi ___, this is my partner ____."
My friend smiles and jokes,
"Really? But you're too pretty to be a lesbian"
Seems I don't fit in the gay world, just like I don't fit in the Christian one either.
I don't suppose there's much point describing how I am walking past a man with a placard, shouting that gay people will go to hell. I tighten my grip on my partner's hand and walk a little faster.
The laptop chirps to say we have an email. It's from a family member. It's full of bible verses about gay people not inheriting the kingdom of heaven. I thought we were over this. The parting line,
"you can't be a gay Christian".
Another family member calls.
"How's your friend?" they ask.
I'm too tired to correct them.
I turn around and see my partner is crying. The email set her off. I give her a pep talk about how we will conquer the world together. I'm not sure whether I am trying to convince her or myself.
We are getting ready to go to church.
"Do I look too gay? she asks.
"I don't want that woman scowling at us again."
"You look fine" I said.
In church I see the worship leaders, the preachers, the cell group leaders, the children's worker.
I think I've got a leadership gift. But I'm not allowed any of those positions. I'm not allowed to be in leadership. They're reserved for straight sinners only.
I flashback to the time I was kicked out of church. I felt directionless and homeless. Well, I mean I had a house to go back to. But the church was my home. Maybe I wasn't homeless but I was certainly left with a homeless heart.
I lie awake in bed. The day runs through my mind. I think of all the things said and done. That I don't belong anywhere. That I am different. Unaccepted. My whole life is built on an impossible concept of 'gay' and 'Christian' being compatible. 'Gay Christian': the oxymoron. Maybe I'm the moron. It's time to sleep before facing the whole day again tomorrow. But before I fall asleep I pray the same prayer I find myself praying everyday:
"Lord, is it ok that I'm gay?"
The peace then fills my heart. As it always does every time I ask that question.
